The fear of change - Why does it affect me?
So, if you're a follower on my Instagram (@lightofsolstice - go on, have a peak!), you will have noticed that over the past week I have changed my logo and added some original content in the form of affirmations. I now have a colour theme (this lovely, soft pinky purple with a hint of peach) which I have now updated this site and my Etsy (www.etsy.com/uk/shop/LightOfSolstice) so that it's all uniform. When I started to build the site - or rather, when after months of having a frustration of not knowing what I wanted to do or where to go with being a spiritual person and wanting to help people - I had worked out some direction of what I would consider myself to be, I just didn't have the 'branding' side of it. I figured it would come, that I would need to get it fired up and out there and it would evolve. And it has.
I spent months thinking, journaling, planning. I was on maternity leave after having my first, and quite possibly only baby, and whilst I tried to navigate (and still trying, let's face it, there's no training course for having a tiny human) caring for my newborn, I was also navigating my identity as a Mother. It was hard. I was exhausted, anxiety of everything to do with my baby as we did have a rocky start. It was when my sweet daughter was around 2 months old that I turned back to the spiritual practices I did before her birth, as a way of feeling like me again and to find comfort and healing. They tell you how hard it is with a newborn, being first time parents, but there really is nothing like living it. What didn't help was that due to circumstances out of our control, we needed to find somewhere to live. We moved into a lovely 3 bedroom house just 3 weeks before my daughter arrived. It just felt like chaos with boxes everywhere and decorating supplies - as an elderly gentleman has been living here for decades, it was dated and in need of revamping. I'm a creature of comfort, not in the sense I like expensive things or alot of material objects, I like to have a space to call home, with my belongings that reflect my being, a sacred space that is safe from the challenges of the outside. There wasn't really a room that felt that way. The living room felt the most complete, but still tinged with chaos. We spent the first few weeks living in the living room, sleeping on the sofa as it felt easier to deal with night feeds that way. But the boxes stacked and trying to finish rooms was a stress that was caving in. There really is something to the saying of a tidy room tidy mind.
As I began to be 'me' again, but a new, 'mum' version, I found it was the shift of being a mum that gave me the push to be more open about the spiritual experiences I have had, the inspirations behind my art, and help people heal too. I have struggled with my mental health since my teenage years, and when I look back through my life, I have found that as I got older, I naturally gravitated towards holism and alternative healing, which I found a helpful tool alongside talking therapies and at times medication. (Please always remember that holistic health practices are not to replace conventional medicine, but rather work along side it, and always check with your doctor before trying anything.) As I was finding being a first time mum hard, I returned to what I felt helped me at times when I was really struggling. Healing is a journey, there's bumps along the road, but you keep traveling along. I did have my wobbles - there were tears, overwhelming feelings, but out from those came realizations. As time went on, as I returned to what I had practiced before, as I found my way as a Mother, I found a different view and understanding of life, because of my daughter, and it's beautiful. She is literally the inspiration behind the name Light Of Solstice - she was, and still is my guiding light, and what I felt I journeyed through emotionally. Those early months of maternity leave gave me experience and direction of what I want to do with being an empath, clairsentient and artist in a way to help people. I finished the Holistic Health Practitioner course that I started long before having my baby, which lead to me now studying Intuitive Healing. I believe the Universe does have a plan for us, and that everything happens for a reason. I believe that if I didn't have my daughter then I wouldn't know / have been given the push to come out of my introverted shell abit more and start to use what I have learned and experienced about spirituality and healing to help people. I have big dreams for Light Of Solstice, and what I want to achieve with it (I keep going back to wanting to create my own oracle deck at the moment...but all in good time!).
It was when I accidentally created the colour scheme of the logo last week that I felt a kind of fear. I was playing with a photo editing app on my phone, seeing what filters did to a photo I had taken of some water colour background I had painted a couple days before. And that's literally how I came across it. I loved how it had a gentle glow, soft, loving colours. I felt like I needed to be reminded of love, as last week, admittedly, I was feeling very irritable and stressed (glad when it was #spiritualsunday the day before yesterday, that salt bath was calling to me!) So I decided it would be the perfect colours for an online (growing) space of spiritual art, holistic health guides and healing. As I set to work using it, the fear was gnawing. It's quite pink, and a couple weeks ago I handmade a pink journal (soon in the shop, sorting out the photos!). Pink isn't me. I have loved purple for years, and for the last few also liked peach with a pastel purple.
I looked around my living room, a space inspired by viking/witch/pagan lifestyles, with a slight modern take, and pink just didn't fit with that. The only pink item on my mantel piece is the himalayan salt lamp, pride of place in the middle, sided by various crystals, glass skulls, handmade goddess statues and skeleton hand goblets at the ends.
It was then realization that the fear was of change, a change of identity of myself. I realized these small trinkets around me that bought me comfort was in part because I had based my identity onto them. I feel comfortable in the alternative shops, even though I sadly look more 'normal' as I have got older (I always enjoyed experimenting with my hair and clothes, I still have key items that are 'me' and look forward to finding unique pieces when I next need clothes - again, it comes back to identity) as I always felt 'different' inside. I sat with this fear and worked through my thoughts - is change bad? Do I automatically loose myself for liking and using something that isn't typically me? For liking something so pinky purple and bright, does that mean I don't even know who I am?
I came to the conclusion that it was ok. It was ok to fear change, because it's an unknown. It's ok to like something that isn't typically me. It's ok to fear loosing myself. I accepted that even if we use divination, it is just a guide, as no one knows for sure about the unknown, but I have my trust in the Universe that I am stepping in to fulfill my purpose on Earth, and that I am supported in this. I can like something that isn't typically me. Realistically, it doesn't change me, or who I have understood myself to be. It doesn't define me. At times I have felt like I have lost myself, where I have been uncertain of those core components that make up my view of the world and how people interpret me. But I find me again, because I haven't actually gone, I've had my perception shifted and readjusting my understanding of me as a person. I realized that Light Of Solstice is transforming and shaping the way it needs to be to become a place of spiritual art, of healing, and the soft, loving colours are a perfect fit.
Ultimately, we will feel fear at some points in our lives, but if we sit with it and ask ourselves some questions, we can find the root of it. When we find the root, we can then let go. We don't need to carry fear with us, it could be holding us back some something truly amazing. Let go, and trust that what's meant to be, will be.